snortdrugs:

http://6weird6ghost6.tumblr.com/

This probably won’t be read. Which is chill. I just need to get this out because I feel like this is not something I can talk about really with the people around me.

Summer is almost over and I’m gonna be a senior in like ten days, which is fucking ridiculous. I didn’t really notice, until last night. I went to a “going away to college and not coming back till November” party of one my close friends, Pranay. It was the normal party we have at his house: drunk girls laughing, going into his stairwell to smoke now and then in packs, listening to blaring dubstep out of his speakers, making fun of people who weren’t there, eating cold Chinese food, etc. And when I left, went home back to Brooklyn on the subway at 1230 at night with my friend, Liam we just talked and talked about how weird it’s going to be to not have those nights anymore. 

Pranay’s house, and presence was the mecca of most parties. He was always there with his fake ID buying us alcohol, coning people into giving him money, scheming on girls, making off-color jokes, “getting mine” (as he would say). In a weird way he was still a nice consistent force in my life. Above all of my friends that met him this year or last year, I’ve actually been friends with him since I was 14. And in some fucked up way he was like one of my mentors to growing up in the city, and doing the shit that we do. And he left for college today…

College in fucking Virginia. And he won’t be back till November. Who knows who I will be then? Who knows who he’ll be. I hope the same sarcastic asshole, but probably not. Time. Distance and cirumstance changes people.

Like, I know my truths, I’m gonna have to leave the city. I can’t stay here. It’s too comforting. I want to live here for the rest of my life, so I can’t stay here for college or I’ll never leave. I have to go learn to be a person, so soon. And it’s really weird. I just feel like there’s so much I need to do and so many people I need to let go and say goodbye too and there isn’t enough time. There isn’t enough time to do anything. I feel so old and I’m so young. My life hasn’t even really started and yet here I am over-analyzing and getting all worried. It’s just like I’m so… wary of everything. Is that normal? I wish there was a formal to growing up and moving on that makes this easier.

I’ll probably beating a dead horse, but all of this just made me so sad. When I turn 18, I’ll probably sit in my room crying hoping and pray for 14 again. Is that really fucked up? There’s so much I would’ve done differently. So much. So many people I should’ve been better too. So much shit I should’ve done and more stuff I shouldn’t have….

Just sitting at that going away party with a lot of associates and friends who I probably won’t see again for a long time or even more drastically ever, just really fucked me up. High school is basically over. It’s time to stop acting like a child. I need to get my shit together. I really do…

-Tally, The Spice

Because sometimes, all the time, they cloud my judgment.

I’m assuming most people know the story of The Boy Who Lived and his seemingly never-ending battle against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Unfortunately that battle came to an end today for me. After almost four years of avoiding it I finally read Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows against my better judgement. Ever since the last book was published I had been avoiding it like the plague for various reasons.

When the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter saga came out my mother read the entire thing in about 36 hours and then decided it would be a really good idea to give me an all-encompassing list of the people who met their demise in the book. She also felt it would be appropriate to ruin the ridiculously sappy ending for me.  So up until the end of this summer I had no intentions of ever reading the book, I was quite happy pretending that Harry and the gang would forever be in limbo between the end of their sixth year at Hogwarts and their final quest to defeat Voldemort. That was until I saw a brand new hardcover copy of Deathly Hallows at a street vendor’s table. He was selling it for two bucks and I couldn’t resist. I have a weakness for buying cheap books even if I don’t plan on reading them. So I bought it and tucked it away on the shelf right next to the other books in the series and hadn’t thought about it until last week.

The first part of the last movie is premiering in six days and there were reminders of this fact everywhere. The commercials are playing on almost every channel, there are posters plastered on the sides of buses and the walls of trains stations. No matter what I do I just couldn’t escape Mr. Potter. There was so much advertising for it that I decided it would just be much easier to ignore it until all of the hype passed over once the movie premiered. BUt then my dear friend Sadie decided she wanted to go see the movie for her birthday. She’s one of my best friend’s so I wasn’t going to deny her such a simple birthday wish, but as a rule I never see a movie based off of a book without reading the book first. So that gave me only one option. Magically fall ill the day we were supposed to see the movie. That definitely seemed to be the best choice, but then the trailers started looking more appealing and the book seemed to grow more ominous on my shelf every day. So this past Monday I decided to suck it up and finally read the book. How bad could it be after all of these years? 

The book was over 700 pages long, but I managed to read it in about two days. I never thought finishing something would have such a negative impact on me. Despite some of the less than flattering things I heard about the book it was a good enough read, but the quality of the book was not what made me sad. It was the fact that I would now have nothing else to look forward to. This might sound a bit odd, but as a child some of my closest friends were Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I felt like I had grown up right besides them and experienced all of their fantastical adventures first hand. As they got older and wiser I felt that I was doing the same. But now the stories are over for me. They defeat the villain, grow old and live nice normal wizarding lives. But what am I left with? Nothing but a two dollar book and a bunch of fabricated memories. it was so much easier to relate to them in the beginning when they were young and naive just as I was. But all of a sudden they were old and done with school and now I’m sitting here looking around at my life and it’s eerily similar. I’m almost done with high school, but I haven’t done anything nearly as cool as breaking into a bank with a dragon, running away from giant spiders in a forbidden forest or defeating a dark lord. I am nothing but a normal sixteen year girl and it is very alarming to see people who were once my age married and with children. But then I have to remind myself that they were never real. So perhaps in stead of moping about the fact that I’ll never be as cool as them maybe I should get up and do something remarkable with my life before it’s time for me to settle down and send my own children off to school on the metaphorical Hogwarts Express. 

Reading that book has motivated me more than anything else in the past few weeks. Unfortunately I like sitting around and not being motivated, but now I feel the overwhelmingly urge to do something that could compare with the Boy Who Lived’s even smallest feats. In a very strange way Harry Potter ruined my life by forcing me to think about were I’m heading and how I affect other people. It’s not a pleasant experience, but I think it’s more helpful than moping about the fact the series is over seeing as that is one thing that I cannot change.

;) - The Sugar

P.S J.K Rowling should die in a pit for writing books that are so awfully addicting and crafting characters who are so painfully relatable. 

Part 1: Genesis: “I called on jesus but he didn’t check his phone today”

I’m starting to think more and more about my life.

I am insignificant as I want to be.

I can handle that.

I can taste that.

Insignificance.

Uncaring.

Lack of clarity.

Embrace it.

Breathe it.

Hold it close.

Don’t let it consume you.

Part 2: Self assurance: marked by alligator tears

My life, my problems, my woes mean nothing in the retrospect.

Particles of Dust floating around in the air.

Everything seems so much worse

because its happening to you

but no one cares

about you

you have to smell that

you must know

no one truly cares

i know that… 

I don’t care about anything too much anyway….

“I don’t care.”

I like that.

“i don’t fucking care.”

about what?

anything.

about who?

anyone.

Say it enough

Say it.

And even you’ll start to think you believe it…

Part 2.4: the opposite of smiling

Part 3: Discourse: peeling like wallpaper?

Every time I feel peace or happiness….

for a brief moment

it melts away

when i think about…

anything important

i mean truly important

something, a tiny thing

i care about

the happiness i have achieved

melts away

importance can always be more important

impromptu showmanship can always shine more

I don’t know how it’s become such a problem

How “this” has become such a problem

When did I grow a heart?

Has the black hole been coveted with magnolias?

Maybe its because…

I’m not okay with myself anymore

and I’m sick of being fake.

Part 4 : Efficaciously pissing on crocked men.

I wish I could wake up every morning

and truly not think

about anything

that would be nice huh?

every single time i start thinking

i start caring

and i want to not care

about thinking

even the little i give a shit about

hurts me.

the few people.

the boy.

the friends.

the family.

the little i care about.

the little..

the little seem to fuck me over

the most.

See I can’t stop feeling..

Maybe that’s the problem

even when i shutter

I can’t stop feeling.

Part 5: “We hold these truths self evident, the lies we use to represent”: Commencement?

Call me out for lying

and be sure to kiss me

on the way out

all i need to say is:

i want peace for everyone

i want peace for everything

i want to live my life happily

why can’t i have that?

is that too much to ask for?

the things i don’t care about

the things i hate to solely 

haunt me and

glorify who i pretend not to be

I am everything I love

I am everything I hate

I don’t matter

but i matter so much

because i say so.

these are just words

and i’m just a little girl

another person

another life.

in its free-fall

sullenly and sinking I’m

coping with the fact that…

This Life Is Just An Array Of Misguided Moments,

Shy Glances,

Heartbreak

Disappointments

Laughter

      Sorrow

: Vehement In Nature: Events In Passing.

-Tally, The Spice

p.s: “I swear I didn’t mean for it to be like this, like every inch of me is bruised.”

-Jack’s Mannequin.