This probably won’t be read. Which is chill. I just need to get this out because I feel like this is not something I can talk about really with the people around me.

Summer is almost over and I’m gonna be a senior in like ten days, which is fucking ridiculous. I didn’t really notice, until last night. I went to a “going away to college and not coming back till November” party of one my close friends, Pranay. It was the normal party we have at his house: drunk girls laughing, going into his stairwell to smoke now and then in packs, listening to blaring dubstep out of his speakers, making fun of people who weren’t there, eating cold Chinese food, etc. And when I left, went home back to Brooklyn on the subway at 1230 at night with my friend, Liam we just talked and talked about how weird it’s going to be to not have those nights anymore. 

Pranay’s house, and presence was the mecca of most parties. He was always there with his fake ID buying us alcohol, coning people into giving him money, scheming on girls, making off-color jokes, “getting mine” (as he would say). In a weird way he was still a nice consistent force in my life. Above all of my friends that met him this year or last year, I’ve actually been friends with him since I was 14. And in some fucked up way he was like one of my mentors to growing up in the city, and doing the shit that we do. And he left for college today…

College in fucking Virginia. And he won’t be back till November. Who knows who I will be then? Who knows who he’ll be. I hope the same sarcastic asshole, but probably not. Time. Distance and cirumstance changes people.

Like, I know my truths, I’m gonna have to leave the city. I can’t stay here. It’s too comforting. I want to live here for the rest of my life, so I can’t stay here for college or I’ll never leave. I have to go learn to be a person, so soon. And it’s really weird. I just feel like there’s so much I need to do and so many people I need to let go and say goodbye too and there isn’t enough time. There isn’t enough time to do anything. I feel so old and I’m so young. My life hasn’t even really started and yet here I am over-analyzing and getting all worried. It’s just like I’m so… wary of everything. Is that normal? I wish there was a formal to growing up and moving on that makes this easier.

I’ll probably beating a dead horse, but all of this just made me so sad. When I turn 18, I’ll probably sit in my room crying hoping and pray for 14 again. Is that really fucked up? There’s so much I would’ve done differently. So much. So many people I should’ve been better too. So much shit I should’ve done and more stuff I shouldn’t have….

Just sitting at that going away party with a lot of associates and friends who I probably won’t see again for a long time or even more drastically ever, just really fucked me up. High school is basically over. It’s time to stop acting like a child. I need to get my shit together. I really do…

-Tally, The Spice